Artemis Fowl Fan Fiction Academy
by Spectra16
Summary: A remake of my original story. The characters of AF get together and start a school for fan fic writers! Complete with more random jokes about life and Indiana Jones! wooted
1. Something Fishy Going Down

**Artemis Fowl Fan Fiction Academy**

By the embarrassed and disposed Spectra16

A/N: I was sad one day, and decided that this story I wrote . . . Two years ago, needed revisions and new jokes. The whole point of this story is to get my crazy, random nature back into my diet. Ever since my fan fic (crossover) A Dreadful Convenient Crossover and the Prisoner of the Artic Incident, I've been "cured" (says Mr. Monarski) of my random writing nature. Unfortunately, I need to devise a way to get it back. So, here's my first attempt. Wish me luck.

Disclaimer: I own a three pack of Reeces, an incense box, an Essential Russian book, Leopard print slippers, and a crushed spirit. But I do not own Artemis Fowl. I'm pretty sure Noah Toodoo or Dave Wolverton owns Artemis Fowl. Oh wait, no, Eoin Colfer does. By the by, for you Irish impaired folk, Eoin is pronounced "Owen". (Yes, Spectra16 exists to help those ignorant Americans who want it. I know, I work too hard. . .)

Warning: This story contains pen names from two years ago. There's some classics in here (Kitty Rainbow, Blue Yeti, BFW, Nyghtvision, Bloody Dead Rose, and everyone's favorite reviewer, slimefrog)

Warning 2: This is not exactly the same as my original Artemis Fowl Fan Fiction Academy story. In fact, it will be a satire of it. Put on your seat belts, kitties. This is gonna be a bloody ride.

WARNING 3/Disclaimer: I do not own references to Detention from Hell, Indiana Jones, Artemis Fowl and the Ivory Files, Harry Potter (in general),

Public Service Announcement: If you would like your name in this story (since it's only fair), just ask and I'll search your bio for interesting things can I can bring up while using your pen name. I did that for the original, so I guess I might as well add the fan fic writer's of today in.

-.-.-.-.-

Chapter One: Something Fishy Is Going Down (Caviar, anyone?)

Suddenly, in a flash of light that can only be known as a fantastic phenom, random AF fandom writers are transported to a strange, private school with a view. As American as this may sound, the place looked quite expensive and prep-like. It was as if someone wrote a crossover with Harry Potter, 90210, and Degrassi Junior High. In any case, there were some frantic people running amok. And for some reason, everyone could only remember their pen names and their lives as fan fic writers. There was great confusion in the masses, but there was one who was able to keep her head about her, because she was used to such randomness.

"I love fan fiction. It is my favorite thing. I also like emo boys kissing. Is that wrong?" A short girl bounced up and down in her chair, seeming to be talking to no one. This was not the girl I was talking about earlier. No, our protagonist is our very own demented author named Spectra16. There's much controversy over why she chose this pen name, but at least she doesn't change it every week and seriously confuse the people who added her name to their favorites list and try to find her once in a while. Spectra16 sat very straight up in her chair, waiting for the new class to begin. She looked out of the window and saw a very strange spectacle. There was a large flock of flamingos outside, seeming to be standing on one leg, and sleeping. Spectra16 had an intense fear of flamingos, so her first reaction was to panic.

A few moments before the panic, a relatively handsome man with a strange hat walked into the classroom. The students immediately settled down at the sight of him. He wore a strange outfit, like a college professor would wear in the seventies. But as you know, this is 2006, so his fashion was about 36 years late. Everyone's initial reaction was to laugh, but he spoke to soon.

"Hello children, I am your professor, Professor Jones," Just as the man had spoke these words, and old fellow with an odd safari hat ripped the classroom door open.

"Junior!" He spoke with a strong, Scottish, deep accent. Everyone watched this strange occurrence in silence. "There's an archeologist expedition in deep Tunisia! We must go! Let's hurry!"

"Not now, dad. Can't you see I'm trying to teach my class?" He muttered to the man who had practically knocked the door off of it's hinges.

"You don't understand! It's Balmung. . .," The man said gravely. The professor looked angry know.

"Oh no. Not the sword of Bulmung, hidden in the Burgundian ruins for a thousand years, only to come back to reign upon the world with a vengeance to empower the Ostrogoths," Professor Jones muttered angrily. The class was quite confused, but they were like, "Go! Go! Find the thing! Save the world! We'll be here when you get back! We'll be at the bar or the speak easy or whatever we've got here."

Professor Jones left in a hurry with his Henry Jones Senior. Spectra16 had almost forgot about the flamingos and the panic, but her panic was yet postponed. A large, burly, bald man stormed into the classroom.

"I'm sorry children, for my lateness. My name is Mr. Butler, and I will be your PE teacher," Butler said. Spectra16 rose her hand slowly.

"Yes?"

"Can we please shut the blinds?" Spectra16 meekly requested. He rose an eyebrow.

"Are you mocking me?" He asked. Spectra16 sunk in her chair.

"No."

"Alright. Anyways, we will be meeting in this room everyday before going to the gym to do intensive training. This is baby school anymore! You're in my house now!" Butler seemed to be getting ridiculous. Another girl rose her hand.

"Yes?"

"I have to use the little girl's room," She said sweetly. Butler's nose twitched.

"HOLD IT!"

Another girl rose her hand.

"Yes?" Butler's voice quivered with annoyance.

"You have the same name and same mean demeanor as someone in one of my favorite books!" She chirped. Butler gritted his teeth.

"Do I? Well, NO MORE QUESTIONS! We're hittin' the gym! Here are your work out sheets," Butler passed out a large stack of papers. He leaned over Spectra16's desk, and she noticed a large ball hanging in his tucked shirt.

"Sir, is that an iron cosh in your shirt?" Spectra16 asked. Butler looked down and realized that it was quite visible.

"Why yes," He said and moved on. Spectra16 looked at the work out sheet and found it most intimidating.

_This week, we will be learning the basics in efficient self defense. You will learn how to break someone's wrist, shins, and spleen. All of the techniques are meant for highly trained combat agents, so please, do not use them on your fellow students. Please sign your life on this dotted line. You will also be doing some intense conditioning. 70 pull ups, 500 lb. bench pressing, and running 2000 yards will be required each day. _

Several girls in the class started crying as they looked at the list (a few guys too, although we all know fandom is over taken by females). Butler quickly handed out tissues to the hysterical girls in the class.

"Alright troop! Let's go!" Butler ran out of the room, as if he was expecting the rest of the class to follow.

-.-.-

Spectra16 overheard a strange conversation in the hallway.

"So I was like looking for like my favorite conditioner in like my bag but like . . . It wasn't there. I don't know what like I'm going to like do about like it. Like, I'm not sure if I'll like survive like at all. And like, my boyfriend Johnny is like going to be like lost without me! I feel so bad for like him! He'll probably like cry everyday! I know I'll miss him like a lot. And like, did you see that like big guy in our like class? He reminds me of like that one guy in like that one book I almost like read," She twirled her hair. The girl who had been trying to escape the "conversation" for the longest time, finally perked up.

"Butler? Yeah, I know! You mean Artemis Fowl right?"

"Like yeah."

"OMG, I love Artemis Fowl!"

Pretty soon, every discovered they all had something in common. They wrote Artemis Fowl fan fiction. To avert confusion, everyone created a name tag and wore it to show their pen name. Spectra16 was especially proud of her name tag, because she had silver sparkles on it. Spontaneousxhumanxcombustion's name tag went all the way across her chest. She found it useful though. She could unpin it and beat people with it.

Bloody Dead Rose and Spectra16 reunited and started talking about the strange happenings of the school.

"How strange. . . We all are fan fic writers and then we have Butler as a teacher. This must be a strange school on the edge of reality that has invited us all to live among other fan fic writers!" Bloody pointed in the air.

"Sure . . . I wonder if the other fandom are doing this too," Spectra16 looked up at the ceiling.

(Somewhere on the edge of reality, kitty-corner from PDQ)

Elbereth in April, Midnight Paradise, and Elven Dagger rose their butterbeers in celebration and clinked them together.

"Hogwarts or bust, baby!" Elven yells.

(Somewhere in Hicksville)

Johnny sits on his arse, flipping channels. Such a difficult decision MTV and Spike TV makes. Both so tantalizing. . . Both so . . . Beautiful. So many choices. Johnny is confused. He doesn't know what to do with so much power. He looks over at his goldfish/Boggle fish named Winky.

"I can't stand it anymore!" Johnny shrieks. Winky stares at his master, hoping his head will explode. It doesn't, and so Winky despairs. Winky hopes to find a happier place, with more Bogglefish. But he'd probably he discriminated against. He was half goldfish.

"Damn Mudbloods. It's not that us Purebloods are better, it's just that we are."-Draco

(Somewhere on the edge of reality, off of I-90)

Random, nameless fan fic writers sit in a large circle.

"So . . . I guess we have little to nothing in common then," Scoutcraft Piratess comments. Everyone else nods. This is the miscellaneous category, the book crossovers, the movie crossovers. Silence looms in the air.

"Alright then."

(Back to the Fan Fic Academy)

Spectra16 shook her head from her strange thoughts. Bloody Dead Rose pops a piece of gum into her mouth.

-.-.-.-

Everyone in the class was absolutely sure of who their teacher was. This was clear when they noticed that he hopped on one leg to get from place to place, and that he had some stereotypical, striking features that scream mobster. He looked around and started counting the students, and everyone remained silent.

"Hello class! I'm Mr. Fowl. I will be your science teacher this semester. Science is a very boring subject, but I hope to lessen your pain by starting with some yoga exercises," Mr. Fowl then plopped a blue mat down on the floor in the front of the class. He hopped over to a plastic, beat up cassette player and popped in a tape. He wobbly stood over his mat and plopped down.

"Hello and welcome to the Beginner's Course of Yoga 101. This course will help you relax your tense muscles and you will be lulled to sleep with the soothing sounds of the ocean and other various seemingly peaceful natural sounds," A soothing voice from the cassette player spoke. Everyone immediately felt drowsy, even while they sat in their seats.

"Now, imagine you're on a beach with dolphins-

Slime frog woke up on the floor, wondering how she had gotten there. Blue Yeti woke up with her face in a puddle of drool. WorldsDumbestNerd snorted awake and looked up at Mr. Fowl, who was still sleeping on his mat on the floor. Apparently, the tape had stopped moments before, which was what had kept everyone asleep.

"You think we should wake him up?" Nyghtvision asked as PyRo4 opened the cassette player. He flipped it over to see what someone had written on the label. "Artemis Fowl's Mixtape" it read. PyRo4 put it back in and pressed fast forward for a few seconds. He bobbed around while waiting, and then pressed play. A horribly loud song came on, and it sounded somewhat similar to the Spice Girls.

"OH MY GOD! TURN IT OFF!" Fowl Senior sprang up off the floor and covered the boom box with his body, and quickly slammed his hand on the stop button. He swung around to stare PyRo down.

"Never play this tape without my supervision! It has songs on here that are meant for torture tactics ONLY! Please," Temmy turned around and hopped to his desk as the bell rang.


	2. Where's Artemis?

**Artemis Fowl Fan Fiction Academy**

By the disgruntled Spectra16 (Who is seriously considering changing her pen name to My Teacher Is A Werewolf)

A/N: Hello? Is anyone reading? If so, send help. It appears that I'm up to my ears in leeches problems. You see, I'm in this campaign against leeches being in films. Someone who I will not name coughSiriusBlackcough tipped the leeches off to where I live, and now they seem to be protesting outside of my home.

L: The spectacle is quite strange. They had picket signs, but not all of the saying are directly related to our cause. They seem to have come straight from a Star Wars protest.

A/N: My favorite one says "If you think those fingers work on me, I've got a finger for you!" There's also a bunch that quote directly from Pendragon. I'm not sure why. And there's much ado about Ender's Game. One picket sign says "Stop mass alien genocide! Kill Ender!" Another says "Earth should be destroyed to make way for an environmentally safe highway!" Right now, Lemony is helping me put up a banner that states "Rubrics are for pussies". I hope that gets them nice and pissed off.

L: I prefer to be known as L. My life's work is at risk every time you call me by that adjective.

Disclaimer: At any rate, Spectra owns only her own syndicated name in this story. You may use that name, but you must pay a fee of garlic.

Spectra16: Garlic? Why garlic?

Disclaimer: Remember? Your teacher is a vampire.

Spectra16: He's a vampire/werewolf/math teacher/Lord of the Rings game master. So, in order to attend every third hour, I'll need garlic, a stake, a gun that can handle silver bullets, a cross, a D10, and a food processor.

Disclaimer: Food . . . Processor?

Spectra16: In case he gets hungry.

Disclaimer: Spectra also does not own the many homages she just used in this A/N. Go read "Heroes Anonymous", and you will undoubtedly understand.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Chapter Two: Where's the Boy Genius? (And more importantly, where am I? Oh well, NAKED TIME!)

Most of the hyperactive teens that resided at the preparatory school for fan fiction writers settled into their new abodes without questioning why they were there. Everyone except the American students found the school to be quite laid back and free. Everyone's schedule looked a little something like this.

Physical Pain-err. . . Education with Mr. Butler

Science with Mr. Fowl

Mathematics with Mr. Root

Technical Education with Mr. Foaly

English with Ms. Holly

FREEDOM PERIOD-Lunch

Social Sciences with Mr. Cudgeon

Fan Fiction Class with Mr. Fido

Music with Ms. Koboi

Regardless of who taught each class, every day was action packed and rather silly all at once. Everyday, Root would yell at Nyghtvision for twitching, every day slimefrog would get yelled at for needing to use the little girl's room, every day Spectra16's intense fear of flamingos would lessen.

Root had several highly adrenaline math problems on the chalk board, and he always seemed to pick the students who did not excel in mathematics to solve them. A rather intelligent boy named Adam Dimuri would always correct everyone and seemed to have genius of his own. One day, Root's suspicions finally let loose. Apparently, this boy was not a fan fic writer and the reason for him being here was just one big misunderstanding. The boy was sent home to his worried parents, but prior to that, he visited the restaurant at the end of the universe. He also would like to state that they have fantastic barbeque ribs.

-.-.-.-.-

TECH ED

"Hello children!" Foaly looked at all of the young minds that he would mold with absolute enthusiasm. Everyone had sat down at rather nice looking, Muggle-err. . . Mudman computers (Spectra16 punches herself in the neck).

(I apologize for those of you who believe the terms "Muggle" and "Mudmen" are racist. Frankly Scarlett, I'm tired of your sleeping around!)

"Now today, we will be working with some highly low tech computers that some bone head is making billions off of!" Foaly chirped, his voice layered in a certain sarcasm. "Our first lesson is IP spoofing! You will need this for your adult lives, because we all know hackers get the hot chicks! Our first tasks is to upload the OS system called Unix! It will be a class project," Foaly smiled. Everyone was seriously confused. Normal tech education classes worked on pitiful art and simulator programs. This was definitely not an average tech ed class. Personally, the author is quite jealous from everything that she is writing. She wants to know how to IP spoof. ANYHOW!

-.-.-.-.-

After class, PyRo4 walked up to Spectra16. Some of the students came out of the class with their eyes crossed. Apparently, Foaly's class had been very hardcore.

"Wanna skip class with me?" PyRo asked. Spectra16 shifted her eyes. Blue Yeti snorted.

"Yeah, PyRo, you should really skip the class you need the most help in," Blue joked. PyRo's eyebrows furrowed.

"Hey! I resent that!"

"Is it okay?" Spectra16 asked meekly. PyRo laughed.

"Yeah. Skipping class is perfectly okay. It's actually encouraged," PyRo smiled slyly. Spectra missed the sarcasm. Blue Yeti rolled her eyes.

-.-.-.-.-

ENGLISH

"Hey everyone!" Holly walked in, seeming quite chipper. Everyone else was wondering how they were going to see Holly over the person in front of them. She used her wings to hover above the students.

"Who wants to tell me what a prefix is?" She chirped, obviously being in a good mood. Everyone shifted their eyes, except for a few 12 year olds who were wondering what it was. Everyone else was afraid the whole class would be this watered down.

"CAN I GO TO THE BATHROOM!" slime frog exclaimed loudly. Holly quirked an eyebrow and ignored her. "URG! My organs!" slime winced.

"Today, we'll be filling out capitalization sheets!" Holly distributed them still flying. Blue Yeti teared up. Kitty Rainbow proceeded to fill out her paper before everyone else. After less than three minutes, she held up her paper and silently put her hands in the air. Some of the other students questioned this, but also decided to race for second place. Only a few 12 year old losers got the questions wrong. Upon this test, a random Fan Fic Nazi walked in and dragged out these children by their ankles for incessant beating until they agreed to capitalize their titles, summaries, and the contents of their random, Mary Sue fictions.

Dijip shuddered when she discovered that tomorrow they would be learning about the history of Disclaimers.

-.-.-.-.-

LUNCH

"I kinda like this school, even if it is a little weird," slime frog poked at her ketchup and mayonaise lunch. Bloody Dead Rose's eyes widened.

"KINDA WEIRD? This place is the nutters! We're in Ireland, there are Artemis Fowl characters running about, not to mention Ronald Weasley whom looks completely lost, everyone hear is a fan fic writer in OUR fandom, and, above all else, we haven't seen ARTEMIS yet!" Bloody shouted. Pyro7 slowly turned his head from a table next to them, and starred her down.

"She has a point," Nyghtvision spoke stoically, as if thinking about strange things. Like Don Juan and his reaction to pink jello. Or what kind of trouble babblefish would have with Esperanto.

"We should really find out who's behind this by sneaking around the school," BFW smirked evilly. Nyghtvision nodded slowly.

"But it's scary in here!" surrealallstar complained.

"WE MUST TAKE ACTION NOW!" BFW stood on the table and put her fist in the air.

"All in favor of getting into trouble, say I!" Bloody straightened her posture and rose a fist.

"I!" Spectra16 announced.

"I!" Nyghtvision made a peace sign.

"I" slime frog and Spontaneousxhumanxcombustion said in unison. BFW nodded. Blue Yeti smiled, as if to say, "Yes me too!"

"Well, what's our plan?" Bloody Dead Rose asked. Blue Yeti, the unspoken leader, scratched her chin.

"No no no! We can't run around like maniacs! This probably has a perfectly good explanation! Like the Probability factor! Soon, we'll all be snug in our beds, thinking of sugar plum fairies and what-not!" Kitty Rainbow protested.

"Oh come on Kitty! Where has you sense of adventure wandered off to?" Blue Yeti asked. She pouted.

"Um, it died."

"That would be so cool if we found something in the girl's bathroom!" Spontaneous shouted. Blue Yeti quirked an eyebrow.

"Why would THAT be cool?" She asked. Spontaneous shrugged.

"I dunno. It just would."

-.-.-.-.-.-

Cudgeon's eyes were bloodshot and he looked distraught. His voice was similar to that of Allen Rickman. Nothing could have cheered up this creature who'd been wipped by the most egotistical, most beautiful, most horrid slash fan fic writer ever (mostly in the Harry Potter fandom), Opal Koboi.

"Hello class," He droned. The students mocked his tone and replied.

"Hello Briar," they said in unison. He wasn't shocked, but he wondered how they'd known his first name, or his name at all for that matter. Forgoing any introduction, Cudgeon continued.

"Does anyone have questions about this class?" he asked. Nyghtvision rose her hand.

"Yes, what is this class?" She asked inquisitively. He rolled his eyes.

"Social sciences," He replied dully.

"Oh."

"Any other questions?"

"Why are you so ugly?" Kelaal blurted. Cudgeon answered quickly, as if he had practice.

"Because I'm normal. Any other witty responses to my simple question?" He asked, sarcasm dripping onto the floors and making a bloody puddle for someone to slip on.

"Can I got to the bathroom!" slime frog asked impatiently, as if she'd been waiting since school began. Cudgeon looked at her stoically.

"No. Wait until after the questions. Anyone else?"

"Would you suggest that taking over the world with modem eating flamingos would be more efficient or would you say that threatening influential figures in the media would be a better undertaking? Frankly, I think that we should all conform to being lab rats, because we all know that the rats are training the scientists, and not the other way around. Surely, this has to be the way to condone all human life as we know it!" Nyghtvision folded her hands. Cudgeon shook his head like that one mono tone like guy from the old Visine commercials.

"I really don't care. And my name is not Frank or Shirley," Cudgeon said sadly.


End file.
